How to Break Free From Guilt, Blame & Chaos
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Leslie and Lindsey Glass
Narcissism has become a buzzword across social media, often used loosely to describe anyone who is self-centered, difficult, or emotionally unavailable. But what happens when you’re not just dealing with a challenging personality, you’re living with someone whose patterns fit the deeper, more harmful traits of narcissistic behaviour? I spoke about this with journalist and recovery advocate Leslie Glass, and her daughter wellness writer Lindsey Glass on Episode #413 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. They broke down the realities of growing up with or living alongside a narcissistic family member, and offered guidance for protecting your emotional wellbeing.
Leslie and Lindsey, co-founders of Reach Out Recovery and co-producers of the award-winning documentaries The Secret World of Recovery and The Silent Majority, have spent years studying family dysfunction and recovery. Their personal and professional experience has given them profound insight into the underpinnings of narcissistic dynamics, and how to navigate them safely and sustainably.
What Narcissism Really is…and What it Isn’t
According to Lindsey, narcissistic behaviour is best understood as a pattern of thinking and acting rooted in excessive self-focus and a deep need for admiration. The key feature, she explains, is a lack of empathy; something often hidden beneath a façade of confidence or superiority. Narcissistic patterns typically arise from deep, unresolved insecurity.
But not every selfish or self-absorbed person deserves the label. “A self-focused or difficult person can apologize, accept feedback, or occasionally put someone else’s needs first,” Lindsey says. “A narcissist, however, is driven by a need to dominate.”
Leslie adds that manipulation and control are defining features. Narcissists don’t just want to be right; they need to win…at all costs. They struggle, or outright refuse, to view situations from anyone else’s perspective. Criticism, even gentle or well-intended, is experienced as a personal attack.
The Psychological Cost of Living With a Narcissist
People raised in narcissistic households often spend years trying to make sense of their emotional pain. Lindsey describes the common long-term impacts: chronic self-doubt, people-pleasing tendencies, hypervigilance, shame, anxiety, fear of conflict, and difficulty trusting others.
More severe consequences can include addiction, self-harm, or losing one’s sense of identity, especially for children who grew up constantly shifting themselves to avoid conflict or win approval.
Leslie summarizes the emotional climate in one vivid image: “You’re always walking on eggshells.” Happy moments may be disrupted, accomplishments minimized, and boundaries ignored. Over time, family members become conditioned to anticipate criticism or sabotage, especially when the attention isn’t on the narcissist.
Importantly, both women emphasize that these experiences don’t automatically mean someone is living with a narcissist. Other issues such as active addiction, untreated mental illness, or emotional immaturity, may create similar patterns. The difference, Lindsey notes, is that people struggling with these issues often improve with treatment or recovery. Narcissists typically do not.
Recognizing the Red Flags
Leslie and Lindsey outline several clear warning signs of narcissistic patterns in a parent, partner, or sibling:
- Reality rewriting and gaslighting: Narcissists challenge your perception of events, making you question your own memory or interpretation.
- Walking on eggshells: Any attempt to set boundaries triggers anger or punishment.
- Constant self-focus: Every conversation loops back to their needs or problems.
- Inability to handle criticism: Even minor feedback feels like a personal attack.
- Post-conversation confusion: You regularly leave interactions feeling worse or “like the crazy one,” Lindsey says.
- Blame and shame: Narcissists excel at redirecting responsibility and making others feel at fault.
The common thread is emotional depletion. If every interaction leaves you drained, anxious, or doubting yourself, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health
If leaving the relationship or reducing contact isn’t possible, the Glasses offer several practical tools.
- Redefine the relationship.
Create a “managed relationship”: one with limited emotional access. You might attend family gatherings, share basic updates, or remain civil, but you stop turning to this person for comfort, validation, or support. - Set simple, firm boundaries.
Narcissists exploit ambiguity. Lindsey suggests boundaries that are short, direct, and consistently enforced:
- “I won’t discuss politics. If you bring it up, I will end the call.”
- “If you raise your voice, I will leave.”
- “I can stay for one hour.”
- Use the ‘gray rock’ technique.
Become deliberately boring. Narcissists thrive on drama and emotional reactions. Deprive them of both. Keep responses neutral, brief, and uninteresting. “They will eventually get tired of you,” Leslie explains. - Limit vulnerability.
Avoid sharing personal struggles or sensitive information that could later be used to manipulate or shame you. - Always have an exit plan.
Whether it’s a phone call or a family visit, be prepared to gracefully end the interaction if things escalate.
The Importance of External Support
Healing from narcissistic family dynamics requires community. “You need reality checks,” Leslie says. Trusted friends, supportive relatives, therapy, or peer groups help you recalibrate your sense of normalcy. These relationships restore emotional safety, model healthy connection, and support you as you rebuild identity and self-worth.
Breaking Free from Guilt and Self-Blame
Many people raised by narcissistic parents struggle with guilt when they finally begin setting boundaries or prioritizing themselves. Lindsey recommends reframing these feelings: “Instead of saying, ‘I feel guilty,’ say, ‘This guilt is growth.’”
Cultivating a compassionate inner voice is essential. For people conditioned to constantly imagine how the narcissist feels, Lindsey suggests practicing “reverse empathy”: Imagine how you feel when your needs are dismissed, and let that guide your choices.
Ultimately, recovery begins with self-care, clarity, and community. As Leslie puts it simply: “You’re not trying to win with these people. You’re trying to stay well.”
