Hint: Put Down Your Phone!

By: Tracey Soghrati MA Psychotherapist-RN

Take a walk through an urban setting anywhere in the world. You’ll likely see a mass of people (all ages) bowing down to experiential avoidance by scrolling on their phones. You’re probably one of those people too. Experiential avoidance is the urge to avoid unwanted internal thoughts, body sensations and emotions. And, while the desire to avoid uncomfortable states is a natural protective mechanism, short term relief may create long-term problems.  This is why it’s important for people to evaluate if their responses are adaptive or maladaptive. 

As a coping behaviour, there are some instances where avoidance is either neutral or makes sense. For instance, imagine you’re at the beach and it’s brutally hot. You’ll likely try to avoid overheating by sitting in the shade, drinking water or going swimming. This is an adaptive response. Likewise, if you have a friend who criticizes you or complains whenever you’re together, you may want to limit your time with them. In this case, you may be avoiding feeling drained when you’re around that person. This can be adaptive when it helps you set boundaries or advocate for yourself.

On the other hand, maladaptive avoidance includes:

  • Using substances, gambling or shopping to cope with unwanted emotions
  • Withdrawing from social events to avoid anxiety
  • Judgmental thoughts to avoid vulnerable connection
  • Trying to avoid thinking about uncomfortable things
  • Putting off tasks or important projects to avoid worries
  • Avoiding authentic sharing due to fear of rejection

The chronic use of experiential avoidance inhibits the ability to make contact with the present moment – undermining our ability to trust ourselves. In short, avoidance teaches us that we can’t handle the way that things are. As well, avoiding emotional states will narrow our realm of experience contributing to symptoms of anxiety and depression. 

It takes work to avoid avoidance – but the rewards are huge. They include greater psychological flexibility, decreased anxiety and a more stable mood. If you lean heavily on maladaptive experiential avoidance to cope, you can reverse this habit through acceptance. This includes accepting that you can’t control your thoughts or feelings, and that they’re not inherently dangerous. Further, you can’t escape emotional pain – it’s part of life.  When you try to control the pain or the circumstances you fear will cause the pain, it makes it worse. 

Finally, it’s important to build your ability to allow emotions to come and go without allowing them to drive your decisions. You can start by tuning in to your emotions and connecting body sensations, thoughts, and feelings together. The act of noticing and naming our experiences creates psychological distance which fosters curiosity and self-kindness, the foundation of self-acceptance. 

Tracey Soghrati is passionate about mind-body healing, and she’s spent her life exploring the intersection between mindfulness, psychology and our relationships.