How to Navigate Tough Conversations with Your Partner

By Jamie Bussin and Lise Janelle

I don’t enjoy conflict or disagreements. However, on the other hand, I don’t fear them or avoid them, because sometimes tough conversations are necessary in a relationship that you are invested in. But I also know that others are scared to express their concerns with loved ones.

I discussed this with relationship coach Lise Janelle in an interview on Episode #233 of the Tonic Talk Show and Podcast. She had some great insight on how to engage in a difficult conversation. This is a digest of that discussion.

According to Lise, the goal of a relationship, if we’re conscious, is to find more love and grow more in love. “When you’re consciously loving, love just grows more and more and more, and especially grows when we face challenges together, things that are uncomfortable, but we gain trust by seeing that, by raising a point, then we can actually be more vulnerable with each other and we trust that the person really is there for us.”

Every time we don’t raise an issue with a partner it’s like you put a brick between you. If you keep doing so, eventually the bricks pile up and you have a wall between you. And sometimes the wall is so high and thick that you can never save your relationship. 

So you start a difficult conversation with a loved one by saying something like “I’d love to discuss something with you. This is something that ‘s hurting me right now, or I feel unhappy or I feel we could be a better couple if we did that.” So we are making sure that our partner understands it’s not because I don’t love you, it’s not because I want to leave you. It’s because I actually want to grow more in love with you. 

Lise thinks that the two main reasons why people avoid having difficult discussions is:

  1. because they’re afraid they’ll never be able to be loved the way they want to be loved, and 
  2. they’re afraid of being abandoned. 

We wonder, what if I raise a concern and nothing changes? Or, if I raise this concern my partner might leave me.

Lise stresses that at the core of all of these things it’s important to know that you are worthy of love, because emotions are guides to show us where we have the illusion of being unworthy of love. She recommends that when you’re in a situation and it feels tense and emotional, that you take a deep breath in and tell yourself, “Since I’m worthy of love, what’s really going on right now? Or since my partner loves me, what’s really going on right now?” Dealing with a challenging situation in this way makes it less emotional, and makes it easier to connect with your partner, to have this conversation.

Even if you’re fearful of the ramifications of the conversation, it’s always better to have the conversation than not. Lise analogizes, “If you are in a relationship and you don’t raise issues for the sake of the relationship, imagine you have a gigantic spring and every time you say no to yourself, you’re pushing down on the spring. You’re pushing down on the spring, again and again. At some point the spring is going to push back so high that you won’t be able to resist it. So how is that going to show up in your relationship? You’re going to have a big argument, one that really hurts.”

Similarly, failing to raise your concerns is unfair to your partner as it robs them of the opportunity to try to fix the issue. And lastly, keeping your concerns to yourself is stressful. Chronic stress leads to inflammation and inflammation may lead to illness. 

So how do you engage in a difficult conversation? It may seem obvious, but I avoid raising delicate matters with a loved one if we’re already arguing. Lise recommends making a date to discuss larger issues rather than falling into a conversation in the moment. 

Now that may sound like “the worst date ever”. But Lise says, “When you know that your partner loves you, when you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable and believe that if you bring something to the table, they’re going to listen to you and they’re actually not going to leave you, you actually have fallen more in love with each other. Doing it the first time might be challenging, but after you’ve done it a few times, it becomes a lot easier, because you always end up feeling better at the end.”