Forging Better Relationships in a Disconnected World

By Jamie Bussin and Dr. Carlyle Naylor

 

I can’t remember the last time I made a new friend. Though I have introverted tendencies, I have plenty of acquaintances, and I’m comfortable speaking with strangers. But forging a deeper relationship? It just seems like it would require so much effort. 

I don’t think my experience is unique. As we get older, many men struggle to connect, which is a shame because those relationships have real value. Dr. Carlyle Naylor, a pastor and life coach, came on the Tonic Talk Show/Podcast this past weekend to discuss the loneliness epidemic amongst men and what we can do about it.This is a summary of that conversation. 

Most men are able to start relationships, but have a hard time creating and maintaining deeper relationships. Carlyle thinks this is because doing so requires vulnerability. Men tend to try to work things out on their own. Admitting difficulties is perceived as weakness. It takes trust and effort to open up.

Men and women approach relationships differently. Carlyle thinks that women tend to be better at creating new relationships and maintaining deeper relationships because they “attach to the emotional elements of life more easily than men”. Men avoid being emotional because emotionality is perceived as not being masculine. 

Loneliness vs. Aloneness  As a result many men are lonely and alone. Loneliness is when you’re isolated from others. Whereas Carlyle describes aloneness as a “nagging at your soul that you try to figure out on your own and not risk letting others know that you’re not doing so well”.

Why Are Men So Lonely?  It’s hard for men to be vulnerable, and to admit that they’re wrong. Our culture penalizes men from doing so. Men are socialized to strive. Men see themselves as conquerors. It is attached to their ego. But it’s also attached to their careers and their identity. And so they take care of those things first. Career and family come first. Friendships come lower on the list of priorities.  But there are other factors too. COVID isolation left many people disconnected. 

Why Are Male Friendships Important? There are physiological and mental benefits of male friendships. Loneliness and aloneness lead to higher mortality rates. There is a higher incidence of obesity, heart disease and high blood pressure. And, of course, we all know what it feels like to be alone and not figure things out. There is a mental and spiritual toll to being on your own. Carlyle explains, “The way I like to think about it is we’re less than God intended us to be. When we’re doing it alone, we’re designed for community. I think it’s part of our image- bearing of God that we long to be with people. We want to be in community. When we’re not, we’re just less than we’re intended to be.”

Carlyle thinks that men benefit from the commonality and comradery of being amongst one another. “Men are better men when they’re together and not at the expense of having relationships with women. We can talk about things that are bringing us down and not elevating, not bolstering us up, and we just need camaraderie for that.”

How do Men Forge New Relationships?  For Carlyle, personal isolation leads to personal desolation. While that may be true for everyone, men are particularly susceptible because we tend to wait for others to take the first step. And while we’re waiting for the other person to go first we all end up waiting for someone else to go first. Bottom line. We, as men, need to take the initiative. Take the striving element that drives our careers and family relationships and channel it into our friendships.

For those who have difficulty meeting new people, Carlyle recommends mining existing relationships. Tap into what already exists. We all have acquaintances. “There’s people that when I’m with them, I enjoy them and I think about them after I leave. Those are the relationships that are easy to tap into to see if you can take it to the next step.”

How to Forge Deeper Relationships How do you know if a casual friend or acquaintance is a candidate for a more meaningful relationship? “I think you could think of it as like a zero depth pool. The pools that start with no steps, that are like a beach, and you, just you, take a step to one inch, you take a step to two inches. I think the way you learn to trust someone is …you learn to trust them. You take the opportunity and take the risk, offer something that’s a little deeper and see how it goes. Trust gets both earned and granted.”

Once we realize for ourselves that there is value and importance in male friendships, then even the busiest of us will make the time and the effort to develop and maintain them.