Tips for Better Listening and Connection in Conversations

By Jamie Bussin 

With the pervasiveness of digital communication and remote work, there are fewer  opportunities to actually connect face to face. Communication is a skill, and I wonder if many of us have lost the ability to speak in conversation. I discussed the common mistakes that people make when speaking with others with mindfulness expert Tracey Soghrati on Episode #103 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. This is a digest of that conversation.

Communication is a two-way street. You might be an articulate, interesting and engaging speaker. But if you’re just talking at someone and not listening to what they’re saying, you’re not a good conversationalist and may not be a particularly effective communicator.

It’s not difficult to be a good listener. Give your conversation partner your attention…your undivided attention. Be present. Avoid distractions. And engage as a listener. That means, ask questions. It shows that you’re both engaged and interested.  

Pay attention to nonverbal cues including body language, facial expressions and timing. Is someone not responding to what you’re saying, fidgeting, looking past you? Those might be signals that you’re not engaging (or that they’re not good listeners). Tracy thinks that reading body language is a skill that can be developed. “It’s about recognizing that you can improve your social interactions, especially if you have social anxiety, by learning to tune into those things.”

Avoid being hypercritical. Don’t make judgments. We all want people to be curious and open to what we’re saying. Says Tracey “When you’re engaged with somebody in conversation it’s so much smoother when the other person is either positive or warm. And I say either/or because sometimes you’re having a debate with somebody and you’re coming from two totally different perspectives, but if you do it in a way that is warm or respectful, there can still be a really meaningful connection there.”

Sometimes we do things in conversations that are off-putting, but we’re not even aware of it. Someone who only talks about themselves or their experiences makes a conversation seem one- sided. Someone listening to another expound about themselves might feel like they’ve been bombarded with information, which can be exhausting. 

Another off-putting habit is “one-upping”. For example, you tell a friend about your bad day. In response they say “You think that’s bad? Here’s what happened to me…” That isn’t showing sympathy or empathy or mirroring experiences. It makes you feel unheard and that you haven’t connected. Your experience has been diminished. That conversation might feel like more of a competition. 

Someone who projects their feelings or experiences onto yours in conversation can be problematic. Sharing similar experiences can be bonding, but if it isn’t apropos it demonstrates a lack of understanding and empathy. 

And lastly, speaking to someone who is constantly complaining can be overwhelming. If everything is bad, then nothing is good. 

But have no fear, Tracey has some tips to help you be a better communicator and better conversationalist:

  • Be a good listener by focusing on the speaker: don’t interrupt. Allow them to finish what they’re saying.
  • Once your conversation partner has finished speaking, show them that you’ve understood by reflecting the experience back to them. This is a form of mirroring.
  • Put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps ask them how they feel about the experience they’ve just shared with you.
  • Ask questions. It facilitates communication. But don’t pepper someone with too many questions. It might make them feel like they’re being interviewed.
  • Be present to your own experience. Your own “Spidey senses” (visceral feelings) will tell you how you feel about the conversation before you can process intellectually what you are experiencing.

Above all, for truly mindful communication, just try to be present.