How Personal Growth Transforms Relationships
By Jamie Bussin, Featuring Leslie and Lindsey Glass
Do people really change, or do we just tell ourselves they will because we need them to?
It’s a question that tends to surface during conflict, loss, or those quiet moments when you realize a relationship no longer feels the way it once did. It’s also a question that isn’t theoretical. It shows up in families, in marriages, and most painfully, in relationships where walking away either feels impossible or devastating.
That question came into sharp focus during my recent conversation on Episode #421 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast with Leslie and Lindsey Glass. They are both accomplished writers and recovery advocates, but what made the conversation matter was that they are also a mother and daughter who spent four years estranged before rebuilding their relationship. What they shared wasn’t advice, it was lived experience.
The Rules We Grow Up With …and the Cost of Following Them
When we talked about personal growth, Lindsey described something that immediately felt familiar: the invisible rules many of us inherit growing up. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t have needs. Don’t talk about feelings.
These rules often pass from generation to generation under the guise of keeping the peace. But as Lindsey explained, they can quietly cost us authenticity and real connection. For her, growth meant recognizing that the rules designed to keep her “safe” were actually keeping her stuck.
Personal growth wasn’t about becoming someone new. It was about stopping the autopilot: choosing communication instead of coping, learning to set boundaries without guilt, and telling the truth without fear of destroying relationships.
Personal Growth as Freedom
Leslie framed personal growth in one word: freedom.
Freedom to stop living by someone else’s expectations. Freedom to choose how you spend your time, your money, and your emotional energy. Freedom to have your own thoughts without needing permission.
What stood out was her honesty about how difficult that freedom can be. We adapt to other people’s needs so naturally that we often don’t realize how far we’ve drifted from ourselves. Growth, she said, is reclaiming the right to be who you actually are, and not who others want you to be.
That kind of change doesn’t happen in isolation. It reshapes every close relationship you have.
When Growth Breaks a Relationship Before it Fixes it
Some relationships don’t survive change. At least not at first.
Leslie and Lindsey spoke openly about their four years of no contact. Family estrangement, Leslie noted, is becoming increasingly common. It rarely happens suddenly. More often, it builds through years of unresolved conflict, miscommunication, and resistance to growth.
What made their story different is that reconciliation was intentional. They both had to decide the relationship mattered enough to revisit old wounds, sit with discomfort, and change how they showed up.
That decision, to choose the relationship, can be harder than walking away.
When One Person Changes and the Other Refuses
One of the most difficult moments in any relationship comes when one person grows and the other won’t.
I shared my own experience with a parent whose stance was simple: “I am who I am, and I’m not going to change.” To me, it felt less like self-acceptance and more like an excuse; one that justified behaviour I could no longer tolerate.
Leslie and Lindsey both acknowledged encountering that mindset. The problem is rigidity. When someone clings to being “right,” they stop being open. And without openness, relationships can’t evolve.
What Actually Helps Repair a Relationship
So what helps when both people want to try?
Lindsey emphasized the importance of understanding what the conflict is really about. Arguments are often about money, boundaries, expectations, or life choices. But without clarity, the same fights repeat endlessly. Listening becomes a skill, not an instinct.
Leslie added that outside perspective can matter. Therapy or trusted third parties can help interrupt entrenched narratives. But she also cautioned that not everyone around you wants reconciliation to succeed, and discernment matters.
Real Change vs. Performance
One of the most important questions we explored was how to tell whether change is real.
Lindsey explained that aligned growth doesn’t always feel good at first. But over time, it creates relief. Performative change, on the other hand, is exhausting. It requires constant effort and rarely lasts.
Leslie shared a small but powerful example. During conflicts, Lindsey began saying, “Mom, you may be right.” It wasn’t a statement of agreement. It was de-escalation. It created safety. It removed the need to win.
Sometimes, the bridge comes before the belief.
Choosing Connection Even When it Isn’t Perfect
That idea resonated deeply with me. In my own attempt at reconciliation with a parent, I realized I wasn’t going to get everything I needed. The differences weren’t going to disappear. But time mattered. The relationship mattered.
So I chose tools that allowed connection to continue, even without resolution.
As Leslie put it, these are the decisions we make, consciously or not, in every relationship: Can I accept this person for who they are and still stay connected?
People can change. Not always. Not on our timeline. But when they do, and when growth is real, relationships don’t just survive. They become more honest, more grounded, and more human than they ever were before.
