How to Share Without Creating Pressure, Rejection or Embarrassment
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Serena Haines
Talking to your partner about a sexual desire or fantasy starts with curiosity rather than pressure. Sex and intimacy coach Serena Haines, with whom I discussed this topic in Episode #450 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast, recommends presenting a fantasy as something you are curious about rather than something your partner is expected to do. Make it clear that sharing a fantasy does not create an obligation to act on it, and give your partner room to respond honestly. This article is a summary of my conversation with Serena where we explore how to talk to your partner about sexual desires and fantasies.
Why Is It So Hard to Talk to Your Partner About a Sexual Fantasy?
Talking about a sexual fantasy can feel vulnerable because it involves sharing private desires and potentially exposing yourself to judgement or questioning. This can be particularly difficult in long-term relationships, where partners may already have established patterns and expectations about how the other person will react.
Says Serena: “You know your partner. You know what their reactions are going to be. You have this history, these patterns. We rely on our patterns to kind of navigate us through the world. But the beautiful thing about human relations is that we’re supposed to change and grow, and we’re supposed to be curious about the world around us and be curious about our inner world. And having these conversations with your partner, it’s an opportunity for you both to grow with the right conversation.”
How Do You Bring Up a Fantasy or Sexual Desire With Your Partner?
The key to raising a fantasy or desire with your partner, according to Serena, is to use curiosity, not demands.
She suggests that the conversation might begin like this:
“I’ve been really curious about something. I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time, and I’m wondering how you feel about it. Have you ever been curious about something that you don’t feel safe telling me because we’ve never really had these conversations before? But maybe it’s time for us to spread our kinky wings, if you will.”
Does Telling Your Partner About a Fantasy Mean You Want to Act on It?
When discussing your fantasies and desires, be clear that you are simply sharing information and that it isn’t necessarily something you want to act on, or that your partner should feel compelled to act on.
As Serena says, “When it comes to our fantasies and desires, they’re fantasies and desires because they’re usually things we actually don’t want to do in real life.”
Sharing a sexual fantasy does not necessarily mean you want to act on it. Serena recommends making that distinction clear when starting the conversation. A person can share something they imagine or are curious about without asking their partner to make it happen.
Serena believes that, whichever way the conversation goes, whether the fantasy is acted upon or not, sharing desires is an opportunity for you to feel closer to your partner.
How to Gauge Your Partner’s Curiosity
When you share your desires with your partner, recognize that they might assume your intention is to act on them. That, in and of itself, might make them feel pressured.
Serena suggests that, after expressing your fantasy or desire, you ask whether there is any level of it that they might be interested in, too. Ask:
“On a scale of one to ten, where are you in that fantasy with me? Is it a zero? Is it a five or ten? And if it’s a zero, then you just say, ‘Well, that’s cool. Thanks for listening.’ Or, ‘Do you want to hear more about my fantasy? Is there any level of that that you would ever be curious about? And if there is, come and let me know.’”
Also, rather than framing your desire as something you’d like to act on, discuss it as if you’re telling a story or sharing information about yourself and your feelings. In that way, you put less pressure on yourself and your partner.
Bring Your Partner Along With You
If you’ve been thinking about a fantasy for months or years, you’ve had plenty of time to explore it in your imagination. Your partner may be hearing about it for the first time. Give them time to understand what you’re talking about rather than expecting them to immediately share your level of interest.
Says Serena: “I always liken sharing a desire to being on chapter 12 of a book and then handing it to somebody and expecting them to know exactly what’s going on in chapter 12. If we are the people thinking about it, we’ve likely thought about it for quite a while, regardless of what it is. So now we’re coming out to our partner and we’re going to jump right in. Sharing that fully formed desire can be a little bit of a shock for your partner.”
Work with your partner’s level of comfort, which may be lower than yours. You don’t want to force them to catch up to “chapter 12”. Some people are a bit slower readers than others.
Above all, respect your partner’s answer. Don’t try to pressure them into becoming comfortable with something they don’t want to do.
Can You Bring Up a Sexual Fantasy Again If Your Partner Says No?
Possibly, but don’t use a second conversation to pressure your partner into changing their mind. Serena suggests that couples can revisit the subject later, provided the purpose is continued communication rather than persuasion. She describes it as checking in and allowing both partners to continue discussing their sexuality and curiosities without an expectation that either person must change their mind.
What If Your Partner Doesn’t Like Your Fantasy?
A partner’s lack of interest in a fantasy does not necessarily mean they are rejecting you. Your partner doesn’t have to love the same things you love.
That doesn’t mean you can simply pursue your desires without your partner; however, those desires and fantasies are still allowed to live in your head.
And if you do feel personally rejected by your partner—for example, if there is criticism or contempt, or something is said that makes you feel bad—then perhaps you need to have a bigger conversation with your partner.
That being said, if you expect your partner to jump on board and act on your fantasy, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Understand that, if you have this conversation, you are simply sharing something about yourself. Hopefully, your partner says, “I hear you. That sounds great, but I don’t really want to do it.”
If that happens, accept that the response is not a rejection of you as a person. Rather, it’s a rejection of the fantasy you’re having. That doesn’t mean they don’t still love, respect, adore or desire you in the same way they always did. You simply have different curiosities. Maybe there are further conversations to be had. But if not, you can still continue to have that fantasy in your head.
7 Rules for Talking to Your Partner About a Sexual Fantasy
- Lead with curiosity, not a demand.
- Explain that sharing a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
- Give your partner time to process what you’re saying.
- Ask about their level of curiosity or interest.
- Don’t interpret a lack of interest as personal rejection.
- Respect your partner’s boundaries and comfort level.
- Keep the conversation open without using it to apply pressure.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I tell my partner about a sexual fantasy?
Share it as something you’re curious about rather than something your partner is expected to do. Make clear that you’re sharing information about yourself, not making a demand.
How do I bring up a kink with my partner?
Use language that invites curiosity and conversation. For example, explain that you’ve been thinking about something and ask how your partner feels about it.
What if my partner isn’t interested in my kink?
A partner’s lack of interest in a particular fantasy does not necessarily mean they are rejecting you. They may simply have different interests or curiosities.
Does having a sexual fantasy mean I want to act on it?
Not necessarily. A fantasy can remain a fantasy, and discussing it does not automatically mean you want to make it a reality.
Should I ask my partner to rate their interest in my fantasy?
Haines suggests using a scale, such as zero to ten, to explore how curious or interested a partner is without creating an expectation that they must participate.
Can I bring up a sexual fantasy again if my partner initially says no?
It can be revisited as a conversation, provided there is no pressure to change the other person’s mind.
