Reconnecting With Your Partner and Thriving After the Kids Leave Home 

By Jamie Bussin, featuring Shantelle Bisson

Our youngest child moved out a few weeks ago, so we are officially empty nesters.

Becoming an empty nester is one of life’s biggest transitions. While many parents expect the change to happen when their youngest child moves out, parenting expert and bestselling author Shantelle Bisson says the emotional adjustment often begins years earlier, as children become more independent.

According to Bisson, maintaining a strong relationship with your partner, developing interests outside of parenting, and staying intentionally connected to your adult children can make the transition easier. I discussed this with Shantelle in Episode #446 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. This article is a digest of our conversation.

What Does Empty Nest Syndrome Really Mean?

Empty nest syndrome describes the feelings of loss or emotional distress some parents experience as their children become more independent or leave home.

According to Shantelle, “Empty nest syndrome starts long before the last child actually leaves.”

Instead, it unfolds in stages as children begin expanding their social circles and becoming more independent. They may still live at home, but they spend more time with friends, travel, attend school away from home, and gradually become less dependent on their parents.

However, Shantelle says the defining moment comes later: “The big empty nest moment is when you know the door has closed for the last time. Their footsteps are on the stairs, out the door, and the likelihood of them moving back in really, really sinks in and becomes your new reality.”

She offers one reminder that every parent should keep in mind: “If you do a really good job as a parent, your children will leave—and they won’t come back.”

How Can Couples Reconnect After the Kids Move Out?

According to Shantelle, a successful empty nest begins years before the children leave home. Couples who prioritize their relationship throughout their parenting years are better prepared for life once the house is quiet again.

She believes many couples have the priorities backwards, hoping to reconnect only after their children have moved out.

“When you get to the stage of that empty nest, when it’s finally just you and your partner across from each other at the dinner table, if you have not romanced each other, if you have not made dates a priority, if you have not made showing up for your partner a priority, if you have made the children and their schedule and their interests and their needs come before the relationship, you are in for a rocky road.”

As she points out, children eventually leave home, but your partner remains.

“So, prioritizing your partner is the key to making sure that empty nest syndrome is not so challenging for your marriage.”

Shantelle also believes it’s important not to expect your partner to fill the emotional gap left when the children move out.

Likewise, parents shouldn’t expect their adult children to meet their emotional needs or keep them occupied. Instead, build a community of friends, cultivate hobbies and interests, and continue to grow as an individual.

As Shantelle puts it: “Be outside of your role as a parent, but also outside your role as being a partner. Nurture your entire self so that, when the kids are gone, you have something interesting to bring to one another, and you also have that built-in intimacy that you’ve been working on for 25-plus years.”

How Can You Maintain Relationships With Adult Children?

I’m fortunate that my adult children all live in the city. We text and talk regularly and usually get together for dinner once a week. Two of Shantelle’s three daughters also live in the same neighbourhood, which certainly makes staying connected easier.

Still, Shantelle believes maintaining close relationships with adult children requires intentional effort from parents.

She points out that, as children, many of us wanted our parents to call more often. So why, as parents, do we sometimes wait for our children to contact us?

Perhaps, she suggests, it’s because we feel we’ve already done the hard work of parenting and would like our children to take more initiative. But she believes those expectations are both unrealistic and counterproductive.

Her advice is simple: “Put your ego aside and be the one who lets your children know, ‘I’m still here. I love you. I’m thinking about you.’ Just pick up the phone and get that voice-to-voice connection—or even FaceTime. Just be the one.”

Key Takeaways

• Empty nest syndrome often begins before children leave home.
• Couples who prioritize their relationship adjust more easily.
• Parents need hobbies, friendships, and interests outside of parenting.
• Staying connected with adult children requires intentional effort.
• Empty nesting can become an opportunity for personal growth.

Five Ways to Adjust to an Empty Nest

• Keep dating your partner.
• Build friendships outside of parenting.
• Develop hobbies and interests.
• Call your adult children instead of waiting for them to call.
• Accept that your parenting role is changing—not ending.