What It Really Takes to Rebuild a Relationship
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Leslie and Lindsey Glass
Leslie Glass and Lindsey Glass know family estrangement from both sides of the experience. The mother and daughter were estranged for four years before eventually rebuilding their relationship. Their experience forms the basis of their work at Reach Out Recovery and their approach to reconciliation: both people need to do their own work, take responsibility for their part and learn to listen to the other person’s experience.
I spoke with Leslie and Lindsey about their experience in Episode #448 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. This article is a summary of our conversation.
Can an Estranged Family Relationship Be Repaired?
Sometimes. But reconciliation requires more than an apology or simply deciding to move on. Leslie and Lindsey were estranged for four years. They say lasting reconciliation requires both people to examine their own role, learn to listen to the other person’s experience and build a new relationship rather than trying to recreate the old one.
Why Do You Need to Work on Yourself Before Reconciliation?
Before you can heal a broken relationship, you first have to heal yourself. For daughter Lindsey, that meant travelling across the country, entering therapy and participating in a 12-step program.
Lindsey says, “Had I not done all of that work, which helped me take accountability for everything that I did in the relationship, I never would have healed.”
Leslie believes that you first have to understand your own role in what went wrong in the relationship. You can’t simply get back together and pretend the break didn’t happen. And you have to be ready to “listen differently.”
What Is “Listening Differently,” and Why Is It Important?
What Leslie means by “listening differently” is that she had to be able to understand Lindsey’s experience of Leslie and their relationship. In practice, that meant being able to understand Lindsey’s perspective and tolerate hearing things about herself that made her uncomfortable and that she didn’t necessarily agree with.
“I had to be able to listen to Lindsey and be able to accept her reality, and I have to accept the fact that maybe I was some of the things that she said I was, and maybe I have to be a different person for us to be able to forge a new relationship.”
Is Time Apart Necessary to Facilitate Reconciliation?
Not necessarily. Both Leslie and Lindsey believe that, with the help of a great mediator within the family or a therapist, time apart may not be required. Early intervention—nipping the problem in the bud before it becomes too big—can preclude the need to be apart. But everyone needs to work on their communication in order to resolve discord.
What Needs to Change to Create a New Relationship?
For Lindsey, predictability is the key. Previous behaviour and circumstances don’t matter. Neither does the current frame of mind. What matters is follow-through and mutual trust.
“If we say we’re going to do something, we do it.”
Leslie believes that it is important to be direct with each other so that when things are going wrong, they can be dealt with in real time and problems aren’t allowed to fester.
“We also give ourselves permission that our relationship doesn’t have to look like every other mother-daughter relationship. So we’re not necessarily best friends, but we allow each other to be each other, to be ourselves, without being hurtful ever.”
Is Reconciliation Always Appropriate?
Not always.
Reconciliation May Be Worth Exploring When:
- Both people are willing to examine their own behaviour.
- Both can listen to the other’s experience.
- There is some willingness to rebuild trust.
- Boundaries can be respected.
- The relationship can become emotionally and physically safe.
- Neither person is trying to force the other into reconciliation.
Proceed Cautiously or Consider Low Contact When:
- There has been abuse.
- Boundaries have repeatedly been violated.
- Trust remains severely compromised.
- The other person refuses to acknowledge harmful behaviour.
- Contact consistently causes significant harm.
- Only one person wants reconciliation.
What Are the First Steps Towards Reconciliation?
Both Leslie and Lindsey agree that, before reaching out, you should get clear about what you want to repair, what kind of relationship you want going forward and what you are willing to hear about your own behaviour.
Take responsibility for your part in the estrangement without using that responsibility to shame yourself. If necessary, work through these questions with a therapist or other qualified professional before initiating contact.
Seven Principles of Reconciliation After Estrangement
- Know What You Actually Want: Before reaching out, ask: What am I trying to repair, and what kind of relationship do I actually want?
- Take Responsibility for Your Part: Reconciliation isn’t about establishing who was 100 per cent right or wrong. Each person needs to examine their own behaviour and contribution to the breakdown.
- Be Willing to Hear Something Uncomfortable: You don’t have to agree with the other person’s experience to acknowledge that it was their experience.
- Don’t Expect an Apology to Fix Everything: An apology can be important, but lasting reconciliation requires more than simply acknowledging what went wrong.
- Build a New Relationship: Successful reconciliation isn’t necessarily about restoring the old relationship. It’s about creating a healthier new one.
- Rebuild Trust Through Consistency: Do what you say you’re going to do. Be direct and address problems rather than allowing resentment to accumulate.
- Know When Reconciliation Isn’t Appropriate: Sometimes, maintaining low contact is a better option going forward.
