How Negative Beliefs About Aging Can Hold You Back
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Shantelle Bisson
I like to tell people that I’m very fit for my age, which might be a “humble-brag.” And I thought it was a positive declaration. But according to author and podcast host Shantelle Bisson, my guest in Episode #450 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast, I may have committed an act of self-ageism and done myself a disservice.
Self-ageism is the process of internalizing negative stereotypes about ageing and applying them to yourself. It can show up in seemingly harmless comments such as “I’m too old for that,” “My body doesn’t work like it used to” or “I can’t do that at my age.”
This article is a summary of my conversation with Shantelle about how we speak about ourselves as we age and how that can affect how we are perceived.
Self-Ageism in a Nutshell
Self-ageism occurs when we absorb negative beliefs about getting older and begin applying them to ourselves. It can influence how we think about our physical abilities, health, activities and future.
According to Shantelle, challenging self-ageism starts with noticing these thoughts and asking whether they are genuinely our own beliefs or ideas we have learned from parents, grandparents, friends and society.
Recognizing the Belief
You, like me, may not even recognize what you say about yourself or how it slips into your daily conversations. This can be reflective of how you feel about ageing. Shantelle sees it as a slippery slope that starts benignly:
“We get into it through our social circles and the way we speak with our peers, and we sort of commiserate together on ageing. We may do it jokingly, like, ‘Oh, the knees just don’t work the way they used to,’ or ‘I can’t lift as heavy as I can, but hey, I’m still lifting. I’ve still kind of, sort of got it.’”
Things we say about ourselves or to ourselves that don’t serve us include:
- “I’m too old for that.”
- “My knees don’t work like they used to.”
- “I can’t lift as much as I used to.”
- “I should get more sleep instead of exercising.”
- “I’ll do it later.”
- “That’s just what happens when you get older.”
From there, these comments can become a daily habit and a pattern of belief about ageing.
Where Do These Beliefs Come From?
For those of us who talk about ourselves negatively, Shantelle suggests that we first identify where those beliefs come from and whether they are factually grounded. Is it something that you truly believe about yourself, or is it something that you’ve been socialized to believe, perhaps from watching your parents age and listening to how they spoke about it?
The media also plays a large role in our perception of ageing. It’s hard to escape antiquated notions of ageing in the imagery and language used to depict middle-aged and older people.
Replace “Ageing Badly” With Possibility
Shantelle believes that ageing doesn’t have to mean an inevitable decline in vitality and quality of life. She emphasizes wisdom, adaptability and retraining our thinking.
She says, “The reality is that as we age, we gain wisdom, and with that wisdom, we should also be able to retrain our thinking and also recondition how we live. We do not need to stay in the same patterns that we had.”
Just as you can’t allow yourself to fall into patterns of belief that are limiting, you can’t allow yourself to fall into patterns of actions and behaviours that are limiting.
Shantelle thinks that many people, as they age, prioritize the wrong things, incorrectly believing that there is time to make up for them later. So they continue to put things like work and family obligations first, while health and wellness get pushed to the wayside.
Sure, you could answer those overnight emails and texts when you wake up … but you could also do something that serves you better, such as going for a morning walk with your dog, meditating or working out first.
We prioritize the busyness of life rather than the wellness of life.
Stay Curious
It’s a hallmark of Generation X to be adaptable. Why can’t that strength continue throughout our lives?
You have to continue to be curious. You have to continue to understand where you are in the world so that you can continue to be in the world.
Shantelle thinks that the key is to remain curious. The mind leads the body, and it’s not the other way around. So, if you allow your mind to believe and fall into the toxic belief that ageing—and, more importantly, ageing badly—is inevitable, then it will be inevitable.
“It’s your mindset around who you are and who you want to be and how you want to continue to show up in your life. And the only person that’s ripping you off is your own thinking and your own patterns and your own reasons why.”
Without curiosity, there’s stagnancy.
Distinguishing Between Limitations and Assumptions
There is no denying that, as we age, we will face some limitations, both physically and mentally. They manifest differently for each of us.
You may feel aches and pains when you wake up or forget the name of the actor from your favourite movie in the ’90s. So, how can we differentiate between real and perceived limitations?
Shantelle, an ex-professional dancer, agrees that physical limitations are real. Injuries and wear and tear may prevent you from doing everything you could do in your youth. She doesn’t recommend continuing with the same lifestyle, activity level and physical strain that you are used to.
Instead, work within your limitations to do the things you want to do that support your health and wellness.
For her, that means pivoting from dance to Pilates and yoga, finding professionals such as physiotherapists to help recover from injuries and working with personal trainers to develop appropriate exercise programs.
And if you’re intent on challenging yourself, I recommend allowing sufficient time for rest and recovery.
Don’t deny genuine injuries or physical changes, but adapt the way you exercise and live around them.
Plan for Ageing
Which is to say, in addition to rejecting false expectations and perceptions about ageing, it is important to make your health and wellness a priority in advance so that you can do the things you dream about doing.
Shantelle believes in “living large” and planning for the future you want to have. You don’t need a bucket list, per se, but having a plan of action makes sense. Otherwise, you may find yourself in retirement with nothing to do but sit on the couch.
As she says, “The greatest disservice we do to ourselves is we stop dreaming, we stop believing, we stop planning, and we just sit and we wait, and that ages the body more than anything.”
How to Challenge Self-Ageism
- Notice your age-related self-talk.
- Question where the belief came from.
- Ask whether the belief is actually true for you.
- Stop automatically joining in jokes about ageing.
- Stay curious and keep learning.
- Continue planning things you want to do in the future.
- Adapt activities to your changing body rather than abandoning them.
- Make health and wellness a priority rather than assuming you can “catch up” later.
- Listen to your body and allow more recovery when necessary.
- Think about what you want your life to look like at 60, 70, 80 and beyond.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is self-ageism?
Self-ageism is when people internalize negative stereotypes about ageing and apply those beliefs to themselves.
What are examples of self-ageism?
Examples include assuming you are too old to exercise, learn something new, try a new activity or pursue a goal simply because of your age.
How can self-ageism affect your life?
Self-ageist beliefs can lead people to make excuses, stop pursuing activities and prioritize other demands over their health and wellness.
How can I recognize self-ageism?
Pay attention to your thoughts and ask: “Do I really believe this, or is this a belief I learned from other people?”
How can I overcome self-ageism?
Start by identifying negative assumptions about ageing, questioning whether they are actually true and remaining curious about what you can continue to learn and do.
Does challenging self-ageism mean ignoring physical limitations?
No. Real injuries and physical limitations need to be acknowledged. The goal is to adapt your activities and expectations rather than automatically assuming that ageing means you must stop doing things you enjoy.
Can you be physically older but still feel young?
Continuing to be curious, adaptable and engaged with life can help people remain vibrant as they age.
How can I prepare for ageing?
Instead of only creating a bucket list, consider creating a plan for how you want to live in your 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond. Shantelle calls this a “living large list.”
