Why Empathy Is a Skill You Can Learn
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Doug Noll
Author, teacher and mediator Doug Noll believes there’s a war being waged against empathy, predicated on the false narrative that empathy is a weakness. In fact, empathy is an important skill that helps us better understand the world around us. I discussed the concepts of empathy, sympathy and compassion with Doug in Episode #452 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. This article is a summary of our discussion.
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is the learned ability to perceive and name another person’s emotions. According to Noll, empathy is a skill rather than an innate personality trait. We aren’t born more empathetic than others. But we do all have the capacity to be empathetic and to master our emotions.
Empathy, according to Noll, is distinct from sympathy and compassion.
- Empathy: perceiving and naming another person’s emotions.
- Sympathy: feeling sorry for someone.
- Compassion: empathy combined with the motivation to help.
Can Empathy Be Learned?
Noll argues that people aren’t necessarily born with empathy as a skill, although humans have the capacity for it. As evidence, he points to his 10 years of teaching emotional literacy skills to inmates in maximum-security prisons. During that time, he says, they became highly effective empathic listeners, demonstrating that empathy can be learned and mastered.
Where Does the Notion That Empathy Makes You Weak Come From?
The notion that empathy is a weakness became a current talking point after Elon Musk raised the issue on Joe Rogan’s podcast. That idea, Noll argues, finds its roots in the North American myth of rugged individualism that “won the West” and shaped our collective psyche.
Noll also believes that some people perceive empathy as a weakness because they incorrectly believe that humans are rational beings and that rationality is preferable to emotionality. His view is that we don’t act rationally or objectively. Rather, at our core, we are all emotional beings.
Does Empathy Make You Weak?
Noll’s central argument is that people often confuse empathy with other behaviours. He says what critics sometimes call empathy is actually appeasement, emotional over-identification, poor boundaries or emotional chaos. Those things are different from empathy.
Noll says, “Empathy does not mean agreeing, appeasing or absorbing another person’s emotions.”
Understanding someone’s different point of view isn’t a weakness. But how you act on that understanding may result in resolution, cooperation and success or, alternatively, undermine your position and result in failure.
Does Empathy Mean That You Have to Agree With Someone?
Understanding another person’s perspective does not require agreement. We don’t have to agree with everyone. Agreement isn’t a precondition for a successful resolution.
In fact, understanding an opposing viewpoint can help you strengthen your own position. Do your views, beliefs and understandings stand up to criticism? Does an opposing viewpoint lead to more critical thought about your own position?
How Does Empathy Lead to Conflict Resolution?
Noll applies empathy directly to mediation and negotiation. He argues that when people feel heard and listened to, they may become more willing to compromise and reach an agreement.
Aggressively arguing a position at trial is certainly a valuable skill for any trial lawyer, but much litigation is settled before trial. Aggression doesn’t necessarily result in a favourable negotiated outcome. Those lawyers who can harness empathy, according to Noll, are both rare and unusually successful negotiators.
Empathy in Practice
How can empathy be applied in the real world? What do you do when dealing with someone who is angry?
According to Noll, it is as simple as saying the following two words: “You feel…”
For example:
- “You feel angry.”
- “You feel frustrated.”
- “You feel disrespected.”
- “You feel unappreciated.”
- “You feel unsupported.”
He argues that directly naming a person’s emotion can help regulate an escalating interaction. Noll says research supports this approach, pointing to a 2007 UCLA brain-imaging study that he says found changes associated with emotional regulation when people were told, “You feel angry.”
You don’t have to be a litigator, negotiator or teacher to try this method. We all have the capacity to be empathetic. The next time you find yourself in a conflict (but, of course, not in a situation involving potential bodily harm), perhaps you can better understand someone else’s perspective and name how they feel.
Frequently Asked Questions About Empathy
What is empathy?
Empathy is the learned skill of perceiving and naming another person’s emotions, according to Doug Noll.
Is empathy a skill or a personality trait?
Noll describes empathy as a teachable and measurable skill rather than something people are simply born with.
What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Empathy involves perceiving and naming another person’s emotions, while sympathy involves feeling sorry for someone.
What is the difference between empathy and compassion?
Noll describes compassion as empathy combined with the motivation to help.
Does empathy mean agreeing with someone?
No. Understanding another person’s emotions or perspective does not require agreeing with their position.
Does empathy make you weak?
Noll argues that empathy is not weakness. He says empathy is often confused with appeasement, poor boundaries or absorbing another person’s emotions.
Can empathy help resolve conflict?
According to Noll, empathy can make people feel heard, which can make them more willing to compromise during conflict resolution.
Can empathy be learned?
Yes. Noll says empathy can be learned and mastered through practice.
What can you say to someone who is angry?
Noll recommends identifying the person’s emotion directly using “you feel” followed by a specific emotion.
