Experts Explain Why Boundaries Matter
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Leslie and Lindsey Glass
Parents don’t need to be their children’s best friends. According to mother-daughter authors Leslie Glass and Lindsey Glass, healthy parent-child relationships depend on clear boundaries, emotional safety, and age-appropriate roles. While warmth and openness are important, they say children thrive when parents remain the adults in the relationship rather than relying on their children for emotional support.
Leslie Glass is a bestselling author, journalist, recovery advocate, and co-founder of Reach Out Recovery. Lindsay Glass is an author, screenwriter, wellness writer, and co-founder of Reach Out Recovery. Together, they write and speak about family relationships, recovery, and emotional health. This article is a digest of our interview from Episode #444 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast.
Should parents be friends with their children?
According to Leslie and Lindsey Glass, parents should focus on being parents, not friends, while children are growing up. Friendship involves equal emotional needs, while parenting requires adults to provide structure, guidance, and emotional security.
But why would a parent think that it’s a good idea to be friends with their child? Parenting styles have changed over the years. There has been a shift towards empathy and emotional openness, which is a positive development. But, according to Leslie, somewhere along the way that openness got tangled up with equality. And parents were responding to, and perhaps overcompensating for, their own upbringing, which was cold and distant. The desire to be warm and present slid into parents wanting to be liked by their children changing the fundamental structure of the relationship.
What is the Difference Between Parent Child Relationships and Friendships?
Leslie and Lindsey agree that a healthy parent child relationship simply means that the roles are clear. The role of the parent is to be the adult, to lead, to be the safe harbor that the child returns to. Says Lindsey, “The parent is the one who needs to be able to sit with anger and disappointment and heartbreak, you know, without sharing it or making it about themselves.”
Friendship, on the other hand, is a relationship among equals. You make friends, you can lose friends. Both people have equal needs and vulnerability in the relationship.
When can a parent and child become friends?
That isn’t to say that parents and their adult children can’t be friends. When a child enters adulthood, has a job, perhaps children of their own, coping with their own adult issues and problems the parent child relationship can blossom into something more. At that time Leslie thinks, “both bring a lot of wisdom, restraint, and boundaries to the table.”
What are signs of unhealthy boundaries?
For Lindsey the clearest warning sign is when a parent turns to their child for comfort. “When a parent is having issues and sharing worries with the child, and not because it’s going to impact the child, but because it makes the parent feel better. The relationship reverses, and the child, in some now unspoken way, is parenting the parent”.
For Leslie the biggest red flag is codependency between parent and child. When the child’s mood determines the parent’s mood and vice versa.
Is it okay to share personal problems with your child?
Being emotionally honest with your child is positive. As is being your authentic self. I think it’s acceptable to tell your child if you’ve had a bad day. But there’s a fine line between being honest and oversharing. You don’t want to alarm your child.
Lindsey thinks that sharing some vulnerabilities with children can be appropriate. They can come to understand the realities of adulthood. But before sharing she suggests that parents should ask themselves “Whose need does this serve?” If the sharing is simply venting or making the parent feel understood, a line may have been crossed.
How can parents build healthier relationships with their children?
Both Leslie and Lindsey agree that healthy parent-child relationships are predicated on healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not bad. Healthy boundaries create the structure that allow family members to be more connected
Says Lindsey, “Children feel the most free to be themselves and to be vulnerable in their families and with their parents, where the structure is clear, and it is clear to them that their parent is the adult in the room.”
In a healthy relationship parents listen to their children’s problems without immediately trying to fix them. Parents should be present, warm and loving.
If you want healthier boundaries with your child:
- Listen more than you lecture.
- Share feelings without expecting comfort from your child.
- Keep adult relationship problems between adults.
- Set consistent expectations.
- Seek support from friends or a therapist instead of your child.
- Allow the relationship to evolve naturally as your child matures.
FAQ
Can parents be friends with their children?
The Glasses say friendship is healthiest once children are mature adults with independent lives. During childhood, parents should provide leadership and structure.
What is emotional oversharing?
Oversharing happens when parents rely on children for emotional comfort or discuss adult problems that place unnecessary responsibility on them.
Are boundaries good for children?
Yes. According to Leslie and Lindsay Glass, clear boundaries help children feel secure, supported, and free to express themselves.
Key Takeaways
- Warm parenting is different from friendship.
- Parents should remain the emotional anchor.
- Avoid relying on children for emotional support.
- Emotional honesty is healthy, oversharing is not.
- Clear boundaries help children feel safe.
- Parent-child friendships develop naturally in adulthood.
