How to Know When to Talk, Step Back or Let Go
By Jamie Bussin, featuring Tracey Soghrati
Do you have a close friendship that now feels different? The relationship may have changed over time, and you find yourself in a situation where the friendship feels unfulfilling. A friendship can become one-sided when one person consistently carries most of the practical or emotional effort. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the friendship has to end. Mindfulness expert Tracy Sograti says the first step is to recognize the pattern, determine what you need from the relationship and consider whether the friendship is emotionally safe enough for an honest conversation. We discussed all of these issues in Episode #455 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. This article is a summary of our discussion.
What Are the Signs of a One-Sided Friendship?
Repeated patterns, such as carrying most of the practical or emotional effort, always initiating plans, adapting to the other person, or feeling valued mainly when you’re useful (but not otherwise), are clear indications that your relationship may be one-sided. You may also feel lonely while you’re together, with emotional support flowing mainly in one direction and leaving you experiencing diminishing returns.
A single missed invitation or annoying conversation doesn’t mean that a friendship is one-sided. The key, according to Tracy, is the repeated pattern of behaviour.
Why Do Friendships Become One-Sided?
Relationships evolve over time. As we age, our values and priorities change. What is important in our 20s and 30s may be different in middle age. Tracy sees that her clients over 40 place greater importance on:
- health
- family
- intimate connections
- authenticity
- meaningful conversations
- challenging or stimulating discussions
So, friendships built around partying, socializing and other early-life priorities don’t necessarily age well.
A friendship can become unfulfilling without either person necessarily doing anything wrong.
What Does It Mean to Outgrow a Friendship?
As we evolve over time, our values change. The definition of a meaningful connection can change as well. If you’ve outgrown your friends, that isn’t necessarily a judgment of them or you. It may be that you’re simply experiencing diminishing returns.
During COVID, I reconnected with old friends, and we decided to meet for dinner. We’d see each other every few months, and we still got along. But our conversations didn’t move beyond catching up and small talk. There’s nothing wrong with small talk per se. But I wanted to discuss deeper issues and came to realize that even though I wanted to dig down, there really wasn’t much digging to be done. And so, there’s also nothing wrong with wanting a deeper connection.
Should You Talk to Your Friend About the Relationship?
When you feel that something is missing, is it worth speaking to your friend about the state of your friendship? Perhaps. That difficult conversation may be appropriate when the relationship is important and longstanding.
But the deciding factor, according to Tracy, is whether the relationship is emotionally safe enough for vulnerability. Rather than having the conversation, it might be safer to reduce your proximity or the amount of time you spend together if you anticipate that your friend might be:
- defensive
- dismissive
- retaliatory
- likely to misuse your vulnerability
When Should You Step Back From a Friendship?
Tracy suggests that if the relationship isn’t particularly close, you don’t necessarily need a dramatic conversation or an “exit interview.”
Instead, you can:
- reduce the frequency of contact
- reduce the amount of time spent together
- reduce proximity
- allow the relationship to become less central to your life
You don’t necessarily need an exit interview to step back from a friendship.
Tips on How to Have That Conversation
We sometimes shy away from difficult conversations because they can be uncomfortable. Tracy offers practical advice on how to make yourself heard without creating a confrontation.
- Speak from your own experience.
Don’t put the other person “on trial.”
- Use “I” language.
Describe what you need and how you’re experiencing the relationship.
- Know what you actually want.
Before starting the conversation, determine what you need from the friendship.
- Don’t make the goal of the conversation proving who’s right.
The goal is to communicate what you need and see whether the relationship can accommodate it.
- Be prepared for uncertainty.
It’s a “wait and see” process. The other person may or may not respond in the way you hope.
My advice is to be forward-focused rather than critically rehashing past behaviour. Don’t put your friend on trial. Rather than focusing entirely on what has gone wrong, talk about what you would like the friendship to become.
That means communicating:
- what you value about the friendship
- what you would like to do together
- what kind of support you need
- what you hope the relationship can look like going forward
What Makes a Friendship Meaningful?
I think Tracy put it best when she said: “Meaningful friendships are reciprocal relationships in which both people matter and care flows in both directions.”
So, in looking to improve your friendship, you have to ask yourself: What if you’re part of the problem?
You have to consider what kind of friend you are.
If you’re asking someone to:
- listen to you
- support you
- be vulnerable with you
- make time for you
- engage more deeply with you
you also have to ask:
What am I offering in return?
The Bottom Line
A one-sided friendship isn’t necessarily a friendship that needs to end. Start by looking for repeated patterns of imbalance and ask yourself what you need from the relationship. If the friendship is important and emotionally safe, an honest, future-focused conversation may be worthwhile. If it isn’t emotionally safe or isn’t an important relationship, reducing your time and proximity may be a better option. Ultimately, meaningful friendship is about reciprocity: both people matter, and care flows in both directions.
