Get Those Good Vibrations
By Jamie Bussin, Featuring Serena Haines
Sex toys can be a source of pleasure, curiosity and connection, but introducing them into a relationship isn’t always easy. Some people worry that a toy might replace their partner, suggest that something is missing from their sex life, or create unrealistic expectations. Sexologist and intimacy coach Serena Haines believes the key is to approach the subject as a team, with open communication, curiosity and a sense of playfulness. We discussed the “ins and outs” of sex toys in Episode #458 of The Tonic Talk Show/Podcast. Here are her top tips for bringing sex toys into a relationship.
1. Think of a sex toy as a teammate, not a competitor
One of the biggest barriers to introducing sex toys is the belief that they might compete with a partner. Haines encourages couples to see them as sexual aids that can support pleasure and connection, rather than replace human intimacy. Nothing takes the place of skin-to-skin contact or emotional connection.
2. Start with curiosity, not criticism
Avoid framing a toy as a solution to something your partner isn’t doing well. Instead, introduce the subject with curiosity. Haines suggests questions such as, “Have you ever thought about exploring this?” or “Would you be open to looking at something together?”
3. Make it a collaborative decision
Don’t surprise your partner with a sex toy, even if you think they’ll love it. What one person finds exciting may not appeal to the other. Talk about preferences before spending money, and choose something together.
4. Bring a sense of playfulness to the experience
Sex doesn’t always go according to plan, and that’s part of the fun. Haines encourages couples to embrace the curiosity, laughter and experimentation that can come with trying something new. There’s no need to expect a perfect experience.
5. Explore your own body and pleasure
Sex toys can help people discover what feels good, particularly those who have difficulty experiencing orgasm or feel uncomfortable exploring their own bodies. That self-knowledge can also make it easier to communicate what you enjoy with a partner.
6. Don’t assume toys will desensitize you
A common concern is that using a toy will make someone less responsive to their partner’s touch. Haines says this isn’t inevitable. Becoming comfortable with a new kind of touch can take repeated experiences, whether that touch comes from a partner or a toy.
7. Consider how your body and needs may change
Changes in physical ability, dexterity and sensation can affect sexual pleasure. A sex toy may help people continue exploring intimacy when their bodies or circumstances change.
8. Choose quality materials
Haines recommends looking for high-grade silicone. Glass and stainless-steel toys can also be good options, provided they are non-porous and can be cleaned properly. Avoid materials that can collect bacteria or debris.
9. Pay attention to the design and sensation
Not everyone enjoys concentrated stimulation. Haines suggests considering toys with a larger surface area and, for vibrating products, a lower, gentler rumble. The right choice depends on your body and personal preferences.
10. Do your research before buying online
If you can’t try a product in person, investigate the manufacturer and product before purchasing. Check the materials, specifications and customer reviews, and buy from reputable companies. Haines believes investing in a quality product can be worthwhile.
11. Use lubrication
Haines recommends using lubrication with sex toys. It’s a practical consideration that should be part of the experience rather than an afterthought.
12. Keep communication and trust at the centre
Hiding a toy or its use from a partner can create a breach of trust, depending on the agreements within the relationship. Be open about what you’re exploring and make sure both partners feel comfortable.
13. Recognize when use becomes excessive
Haines says that, like any activity, using a sex toy can become a concern if it takes over other forms of connection or interferes with everyday life. The important question is whether its use is affecting you, your partner or your relationship.
14. Choose a toy that suits your body
There is no single best option for everyone. Haines offers different starting points depending on anatomy and preferences. For women, she mentions air-pulse or suction-style products and wands with a larger surface area. For men, she points to strokers that open fully for easier cleaning and greater adaptability.
The bottom line: Bringing sex toys into a relationship is less about introducing a product and more about creating an opportunity for communication, exploration and shared pleasure. Start with a conversation, make decisions together and keep curiosity at the centre of the experience.
